Fidelity | Self Para

Note: I guess this whole thing would be confusing if I don’t clear this up. So, the normal text indicates her thoughts from the present and the italics/blockquotes indicates her thoughts from the past. Sorry for the grammar. Hehehehe.

Word Count: 1,173 

If there was one thing she’d learned in the past, it was never to love fully. From all the past relationships she had, not once did she commit any mistake to fall. In all those other relationships, it was her who left. Never reaching a span of three months within a relationship, some would describe her as fickle or some would say that she’s a player. But for her, it was an act of protecting herself. She had always had one foot on the ground, never letting those men sweep her away.  Because she knew how hard it was to trust. And if she was starting to trust, she knew she needed to run away. She needed to run away before it happens all over again. Before her heart breaks once more. If fidelity was the payment she needed to pay for her not to get hurt again, she’d pay it over and over. And she was willing to do it once more for Orlando.

If there was one thing she needed to learn in the future, it will be to never love fully. Her first relationship was a perfect as a rose budding in the middle of spring. It was the sweetest thing next to candies. But this experience for her was a bitter one after he left her. They’ve been together for almost two years—a year and four months to be exact—but it never stopped him from leaving her for another. He says it was an act of respect, an act of respect towards her. But how was it an act of respect if he left her for another? How was it respect? The hurt was too much for her to bear and so her academics fell, her discipline faltered, and her fidelity broke. And she knew that she wasn’t willing to lose all of those again.

There were so many voices in her head. Always the two sided thoughts. The one that cartoons would consider as an angel and the devil talking to you. It had been seven months since she was in the relationship. And she kept questioning herself why she isn’t ending this. Why was she sticking around for more? Orlando was almost a copy of him. Doesn’t that give her a reason to end this earlier? Doesn’t that give her vengeance to break his heart? He was a nice guy, and he looked a deal serious about their relationship—which was an exception to their similarities—but that doesn’t give her any comfort on what she knew. In the end, they were all just the same; he’d just break her heart. So, why stick around?

There was a voice nagging on her head, always the doubtful thoughts. What ifs, how’s, and why’s  ran around her head. She waves them away as she thinks about the longevity of their relationship and the possibility of it lasting. Maybe she was a little delusional. When she was away, she knew, she always knew that there were other girls he was flirting with. And with that her doubt always seems to rise. But by the way he says ‘I love you’ to her makes it all go away. Maybe he did love her, but there were times that it wasn’t evident. And she kept questioning herself why she isn’t ending this. In the end, it was he who ended it. He’d broken her heart. So, why did she stick around?

Suppose she never met Orlando, would she be happier? Or would she feel a little incomplete? She was in the relationship for fun, not to fall, but maybe she liked the feeling of being with him? No, she totally did not want to keep up with this. Suppose that she falls in love with him… no. No, totally unacceptable. Suppose she never let him kiss her so sweet and soft, would she be missing a lot? The way he kissed her when he came to see her again, she felt it. She felt the yearning, the passion, a little bit of the hunger, but yearning most of all. If only he was the first one who’d given her that, she would’ve let him kiss her a little longer. Would he be the one to break her fall? Would he be the one to bring her walls down? She certainly hoped not.

Suppose she never met ‘him’, would she be more happier? Or would she feel incomplete? Sure, he was a jerk at times, but he was also romantic. He was a dream come true for her—the celebrity in school picks her to be his girlfriend, who wouldn’t want that? In times that she felt down, he was there to make her happy. But even with those times, the negative ones weighed down the most. Suppose that she didn’t fall in love with him? Would she be in this total mess? Maybe she would’ve been more happier if she hadn’t. Suppose she never let him kiss her so sweet and soft, would she have ended it herself? Those sweet kisses have indeed changed her mind about leaving him, and it brought a whole deal of regret towards her. And she certainly hoped that the wall she built up wouldn’t be broke down by someone like him.

Maxine had already warned her about him. It’s supposed to be wise to have just listened to Maxine, she was supposed to be the woman who knew Orlando well, why was she not listening to her yet? Maybe it was because of the fact that she forbade her to break his heart? And just like that she felt the guilt wash over her as it was her original plan. When all her guilt was gone, another sister of his shows up and tells her to not break his heart. The fact that there were people trying to protect him was a proof that he wasn’t the person she thought he would be. Maybe he was worth more? Maybe he was worth breaking her walls for.

Her friend had already warned her of the possible outcomes of their relationship. It was wise to have trusted her but instead she ignored her and continued on it. She hated how stupid she was at that time. She hated how she didn’t listen to her friend. She gave up their friendship after her friend nagged her that he wasn’t the best idea. She threw it all that friendship away and she regretted how she was right. And she felt so guilty for throwing it all away. After he broke her heart, it was her friend who comforted her. And she was quite thankful on how her friend never gave up on her. And it was her who told her to be stronger and to find someone who was worth more than he was.

Was he worth it?

He wasn’t worth it.

Would he break her heart?

He certainly broke her heart.

She was certainly torn about all of this, as she was torn as she was before.

posted 1 year ago with 9 notes
  1. thedrunkenbastard reblogged this from thespring-breaker
  2. thespring-breaker posted this